my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
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The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup