My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
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Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
This is always good for a laugh.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?