If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
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If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
This squirrel eats better than I do
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
prepare for carbonated trouble
This was my dad’s browser history.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.