2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
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how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Left at a local drug store…
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh