[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
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Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that