The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”