[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
You Might Also Like
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.