[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE