What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Sing it!
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now