Um … Hot Wings please
You Might Also Like
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”