On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls