Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.