I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
“Huge”.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Sharon I have some bad news
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.