Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
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I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Lmao
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying