When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
You Might Also Like
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?