I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
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Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Love this guy
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table