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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I am a:
āŖļø man
āŖļø woman
š gooseLooking for:
āŖļø men
āŖļø women
š bread
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Iām guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they wouldāve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
šš
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: thatās wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I canāt wait to hear them
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-oldsā unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that oneās for the parents, but still)
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3