If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
This is my bus stop.
This is not me but this is me
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please