I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
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Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
cry laughing at this shit
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.