People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.