280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town