Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS