“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My favorite female superhero
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*