Botany good plants lately?
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TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?