therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
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I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
They did not think through this water fountain
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.