friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
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When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.