I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
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Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.