[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
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10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT