Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea