A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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There’s no “u” in narcissist
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
#milo
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.