text from my dad when lebron broke the record
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.