My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
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Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Feel. He’s so soft.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!