*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
(Gaming support cat.)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Finally, an explanation.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect