My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
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[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Inside you there are two wolves
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.