Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
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I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]