[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
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Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it