a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
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Going into Monday like
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
My neck, my back, my…
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.