What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
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A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.