my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?