Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
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Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?