Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
A roof is a house hat.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Sell your car
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?