Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Best seat on the street 😍
guys i’ve cracked the code
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?