[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.