Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes