[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
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The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My daily affirmation
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.