[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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#NeverForget
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Delightful if true: booby trap.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Lassie, get help!