“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
How dramatic are you?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I don’t know what to do
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?