Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
You Might Also Like
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t