My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Hitlers gonna hitl
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
😂😂
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.