Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
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Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese